Humor From The Onion Radio News
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AIRS links you to these daily satirical selections from the outrageous pages of The Onion. Language may not be appropriate for children or the profanity-challenged.
| Title | Podcast Description | Author/Reader | Duration |
|---|---|---|---|
| Thu, 17 May 2012 | German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority | The Onion | 00:01:15 |
| Wed, 16 May 2012 | County Fair Judges Blown Away By Local Heifer | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Tue, 15 May 2012 | Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Mon, 14 May 2012 | Authorities Place Alabama Residents In Foster State | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Fri, 11 May 2012 | Aviator's Marriage On Autopilot | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Thu, 10 May 2012 | Environment-Friendly Hollywood Achieves 91 Percent Recycled Content | The Onion | 00:01:32 |
| Wed, 9 May 2012 | Stigmatic Teen Says His Miracle Is Gross | The Onion | 00:01:33 |
| Tue, 8 May 2012 | FDA Approves Napalm Breast Implants | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Mon, 7 May 2012 | Study: 72 Percent Of All High-Fives Unwarranted | The Onion | 00:01:32 |
| Fri, 4 May 2012 | Scientists Discover 6,000-Year-Old Stain | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Thu, 3 May 2012 | Popular 'Dad' Character Will Leave Next Season | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Wed, 2 May 2012 | Cat General Says War On String May Be Unwinnable | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Tue, 1 May 2012 | Man Being Dragged By Bus Leaves Hilarious Phone Message | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Mon, 30 Apr 2012 | Photographic Evidence Shows Local Mom Used To Be Attractive | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Fri, 27 Apr 2012 | Mosquito's Life Cut Short | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Thu, 26 Apr 2012 | Reverend Blessed With Manifold Wonder Within His Pants | The Onion | 00:01:31 |
| Wed, 25 Apr 2012 | Cancer Victim Given Second Chance At Death | The Onion | 00:01:44 |
| Tue, 24 Apr 2012 | Pope Lays Off 20 Cardinals | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Mon, 23 Apr 2012 | Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires | The Onion | 00:01:28 |
| Fri, 20 Apr 2012 | Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Thu, 19 Apr 2012 | Supermodel Really Interested In Meeting Creator Of Fan Website | The Onion | 00:01:14 |
| Wed, 18 Apr 2012 | Archaeologists Report Recently Uncovered Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Tue, 17 Apr 2012 | Investigators Blame Stupidity For Area Death | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Mon, 16 Apr 2012 | Pony Lent To Dying Girl | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Fri, 13 Apr 2012 | God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping CEO Of Ford | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Thu, 12 Apr 2012 | Scientists Discover Delicious New Species | The Onion | 00:01:28 |
| Wed, 11 Apr 2012 | Vatican Gives Popular Jesus Character Whole New Look | The Onion | 00:01:50 |
| Tue, 10 Apr 2012 | General Mills Pulls Nitroglycerin Chex From Store Shelves | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Mon, 9 Apr 2012 | Bomb Sniffing Dog Humps Bomb Defusing Robot | The Onion | 00:01:28 |
| Fri, 6 Apr 2012 | Pentagon Gets 12 Weapons For Only A Penny From Columbia Missile and Tank Club | The Onion | 00:01:14 |
| Thu, 5 Apr 2012 | Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Wed, 4 Apr 2012 | New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac | The Onion | 00:00:54 |
| Tue, 3 Apr 2012 | U.S. Mint Gears Up To Release Commemorative Penny For Every County | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Mon, 2 Apr 2012 | Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts | The Onion | 00:00:52 |
| Fri, 30 Mar 2012 | Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Rough House | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Thu, 29 Mar 2012 | Scientific Journal Releases List Of Year's Top 100 Compounds | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Wed, 28 Mar 2012 | "Phantom Of The Opera" Viewers Treated For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Tue, 27 Mar 2012 | Area Man Too Busy For His Buddy Phil, Eh? | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Mon, 26 Mar 2012 | Procrastinating Catholic 20 Rosaries Behind | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Fri, 23 Mar 2012 | Boss's Going-Away Party A Little Too Jubilant | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Thu, 22 Mar 2012 | Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Wed, 21 Mar 2012 | Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story "The Camera Phone" Found | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Tue, 20 Mar 2012 | Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Mon, 19 Mar 2012 | Detroit Tourism Board's "Hidden Detroit" Campaign Leaves 24 Dead | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Thu, 15 Mar 2012 | Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Straight Day | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Wed, 14 Mar 2012 | 91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Tue, 13 Mar 2012 | New Homeowner Suddenly Fascinated By Molding | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Mon, 12 Mar 2012 | Assistant Manager Accused Of Sexual Indiscrimination | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Fri, 9 Mar 2012 | Ascending Soul Already Misses Possessions | The Onion | 00:01:11 |
| Thu, 8 Mar 2012 | Everyone On Campus Afraid Of That One Bar | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Wed, 7 Mar 2012 | Guy From Pringles Ad Convicted Of Murder On "Law And Order" | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Tue, 6 Mar 2012 | Rick Steves Cleaned Out By Gypsies | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Mon, 5 Mar 2012 | FDA Okays Every Drug Pending Approval, Takes Rest Of Year Off | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Fri, 2 Mar 2012 | World Bank Forecloses On World Farm | The Onion | 00:01:13 |
| Thu, 1 Mar 2012 | George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Its Own Grill | The Onion | 00:01:19 |
| Wed, 29 Feb 2012 | American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot | The Onion | 00:01:50 |
| Tue, 28 Feb 2012 | Loft Apartments Converted Back To Mayonnaise Factory | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Mon, 27 Feb 2012 | Many Animals Harmed In Catering For New Film | The Onion | 00:01:32 |
| Fri, 24 Feb 2012 | Area Man Somehow Less Popular Than He Was In High School | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Thu, 23 Feb 2012 | Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen "Whole Heck Of A Lot" | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Wed, 22 Feb 2012 | Crush Lasts Nearly Entire Bus Ride | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Tue, 21 Feb 2012 | Ducks Only Interested In Area Man's Bread | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Mon, 20 Feb 2012 | Local Child Amuses Café Patrons - But For How Long? | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Fri, 17 Feb 2012 | Terry Gilliam's Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Thu, 16 Feb 2012 | Deadbeat Dads March On Las Vegas | The Onion | 00:01:21 |
| Wed, 15 Feb 2012 | Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker | The Onion | 00:01:41 |
| Tue, 14 Feb 2012 | Shiny, Wriggling Object Attracting Interest Among Fish Community | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Mon, 13 Feb 2012 | Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant | The Onion | 00:01:22 |
| Fri, 10 Feb 2012 | Local Man Miscast In Role As Father | The Onion | 00:00:52 |
| Thu, 9 Feb 2012 | Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House | The Onion | 00:00:54 |
| Wed, 8 Feb 2012 | Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment | The Onion | 00:01:13 |
| Tue, 7 Feb 2012 | Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Mon, 6 Feb 2012 | Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Fri, 3 Feb 2012 | Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Thu, 2 Feb 2012 | Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures | The Onion | 00:01:23 |
| Wed, 1 Feb 2012 | Bloodthirsty Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate Cereal Consumption | The Onion | 00:01:43 |
| Tue, 31 Jan 2012 | Area Man Forces Himself To Drink Free Refill | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Mon, 30 Jan 2012 | Area Child Baffled By Stationary, Nonviolent Images | The Onion | 00:01:23 |
| Fri, 27 Jan 2012 | Bill's Friends From Work Calling Him "William" | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Thu, 26 Jan 2012 | Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurky | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Wed, 25 Jan 2012 | ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Tue, 24 Jan 2012 | Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Mon, 23 Jan 2012 | Idiot Man-Child Destroys The Set Of Jeopardy | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Fri, 20 Jan 2012 | Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Thu, 19 Jan 2012 | Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That... | The Onion | 00:01:22 |
| Wed, 18 Jan 2012 | Series Of Serial Killer Killings Rocks Serial Killer Community | The Onion | 00:01:44 |
| Tue, 17 Jan 2012 | Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Mon, 16 Jan 2012 | 98 Percent Of Americans Are Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans | The Onion | 00:01:23 |
| Fri, 13 Jan 2012 | Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Thu, 12 Jan 2012 | Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station | The Onion | 00:01:10 |
| Wed, 11 Jan 2012 | Boss's Threats Hilarious | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Tue, 10 Jan 2012 | Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry | The Onion | 00:01:11 |
| Mon, 9 Jan 2012 | Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Fri, 6 Jan 2012 | U.S. Gives Up On Trying To Impress England | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Thu, 5 Jan 2012 | New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious | The Onion | 00:01:34 |
| Wed, 4 Jan 2012 | Dead Werewolf Apparently Allergic To Peanuts | The Onion | 00:01:48 |
| Tue, 3 Jan 2012 | Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Mon, 2 Jan 2012 | Pawn Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back | The Onion | 00:01:25 |
| Tue, 27 Dec 2011 | U.S. Plans To Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91 And Let Free Market Capitalism Do the Rest | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Mon, 26 Dec 2011 | New Fox Reality Show To Determine Ruler Of Iraq | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Fri, 23 Dec 2011 | Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mount Everest | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Thu, 22 Dec 2011 | Jeff Gordon Never Gets Sick Of Seeing His Face On Cheap Plastic Crap | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Wed, 21 Dec 2011 | Sports Drinks Face Competition From New Sitting-On-Couch-Watching-TV Drinks | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Tue, 20 Dec 2011 | Christ Returns To NBA | The Onion | 00:00:52 |
| Mon, 19 Dec 2011 | NASA, NASCAR Merge | The Onion | 00:01:26 |
| Fri, 16 Dec 2011 | Plague Of 17-Year Giraffes Decimates U.S. Southwest | The Onion | 00:01:11 |
| Thu, 15 Dec 2011 | Only 4% Of Young Girl's Possessions Are Sticker-Free | The Onion | 00:01:31 |
| Wed, 14 Dec 2011 | Fourteen-Year-Old Girl Denied Pony Keg For Her Birthday | The Onion | 00:01:44 |
| Tue, 13 Dec 2011 | Woman Begs Her Friend To Take Dessert Menu Away From Her | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Mon, 12 Dec 2011 | Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend | The Onion | 00:01:22 |
| Fri, 9 Dec 2011 | New Desk Chair Is A Boring Dream Come True | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Thu, 8 Dec 2011 | Kentucky Senior Finds A Human Thong In His Driveway | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Wed, 7 Dec 2011 | Forty-Five-Year-Old Fails To Make Someone Very Happy Someday | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Tue, 6 Dec 2011 | Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Mon, 5 Dec 2011 | Local Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Fri, 2 Dec 2011 | Highschool Teacher Constantly Uses Janitor As Example | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Thu, 1 Dec 2011 | New Once-A-Month Vitamin Presents Choking Hazard | The Onion | 00:01:30 |
| Thu, 17 Nov 2011 | U.S. Citizens Form Massive Special Disinterest Group | The Onion | 00:01:45 |
| Wed, 16 Nov 2011 | Former Couple Will Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Tue, 15 Nov 2011 | Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life | The Onion | 00:01:28 |
| Mon, 14 Nov 2011 | Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Fri, 11 Nov 2011 | Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Thu, 10 Nov 2011 | Local Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans | The Onion | 00:00:57 |
| Wed, 9 Nov 2011 | Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Tue, 8 Nov 2011 | Teenager Learns Negligible Value Of A Dollar | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Mon, 7 Nov 2011 | Owning A Boat Is Not Worth It | The Onion | 00:01:17 |
| Fri, 4 Nov 2011 | Homeless Man Bestows God's Blessing Upon All Within Earshot | The Onion | 00:01:44 |
| Thu, 3 Nov 2011 | Confusing Insult Awkwardly Clarified | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Wed, 2 Nov 2011 | New Strip Mall Of America Stretches Over 1/6th of North Dakota | The Onion | 00:01:28 |
| Tue, 1 Nov 2011 | Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator Running. | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Mon, 31 Oct 2011 | Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Fri, 28 Oct 2011 | No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Thu, 27 Oct 2011 | Affable Anti-Semite Thinks Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media | The Onion | 00:01:28 |
| Wed, 26 Oct 2011 | Cage Match Settles Nothing | The Onion | 00:01:45 |
| Tue, 25 Oct 2011 | French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Mon, 24 Oct 2011 | Genetically Modified Shrieking Broccoli Toned Down | The Onion | 00:01:30 |
| Fri, 21 Oct 2011 | Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class Today | The Onion | 00:01:10 |
| Thu, 20 Oct 2011 | Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Wed, 19 Oct 2011 | New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Tue, 18 Oct 2011 | Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Mon, 17 Oct 2011 | Area Man Offered Cocaine By Man He Met At Urinal 90 Seconds Ago | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Fri, 14 Oct 2011 | Goofy Guy Named Gary Enlivens Otherwise Intolerable Wedding Reception | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Thu, 13 Oct 2011 | Day Job Officially Becomes Job | The Onion | 00:01:32 |
| Wed, 12 Oct 2011 | Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid | The Onion | 00:01:38 |
| Tue, 11 Oct 2011 | Report: Sorry Is No Longer Cutting It | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Mon, 10 Oct 2011 | That Guy From That One Show In Rehab | The Onion | 00:01:23 |
| Fri, 7 Oct 2011 | Some Lady Weeping In Dairy Aisle | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Thu, 6 Oct 2011 | Local Father Fails To Forcibly Refold Map | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Wed, 5 Oct 2011 | New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Mon, 3 Oct 2011 | New Low-Calorie Sheep Bred To Combat Wolf Obesity | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Fri, 30 Sep 2011 | Hellmann's Heir's Conduct Unbefitting Of Mayonnaise Empire | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Thu, 29 Sep 2011 | K-Mart Reorganizes As Bed & Breakfast Chain | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Wed, 28 Sep 2011 | Typo Results In 10,000 Acre Wyoming Skate Park | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Tue, 27 Sep 2011 | New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Go Back To Work | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Mon, 26 Sep 2011 | Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Fri, 23 Sep 2011 | Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On The Street | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Thu, 22 Sep 2011 | Area Priest Plans To Leave Priesthood As Soon As Parents Die | The Onion | 00:01:19 |
| Wed, 21 Sep 2011 | Man's Adulthood Spent Satisfying Childhood Desires | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Tue, 20 Sep 2011 | That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident | The Onion | 00:01:40 |
| Mon, 19 Sep 2011 | Tenants Forced To Clean Apartment Before Telling Landlord About Mice | The Onion | 00:01:23 |
| Fri, 16 Sep 2011 | Last Literate Person On Earth Dies At Age Of 98 | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Thu, 15 Sep 2011 | Narcissist Mentally Undresses Himself | The Onion | 00:01:24 |
| Wed, 14 Sep 2011 | Fourteen-Word Diet Stretched To 200 Pages | The Onion | 00:01:10 |
| Tue, 13 Sep 2011 | McDonald's Releases The McCrazy Burger | The Onion | 00:01:30 |
| Mon, 12 Sep 2011 | Area Grandmother Can't Believe They Let People With Tattoos on 'The Price Is Right' | The Onion | 00:01:23 |
| Fri, 9 Sep 2011 | Drunken Episode A Repeat | The Onion | 00:00:50 |
| Thu, 8 Sep 2011 | Dryer Sheets Recalled Due To Danger Of Over Snugglification. | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Wed, 7 Sep 2011 | Club Has Big Hit With 'Closed Microphone Night' | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Tue, 6 Sep 2011 | CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Mon, 5 Sep 2011 | Home Sex Tape Watched Only Once | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Fri, 2 Sep 2011 | One-Eyed Cat Slipper Scares Crap Out Of 4-Year-Old Granddaughter | The Onion | 00:00:57 |
| Thu, 1 Sep 2011 | Working Man Proud Of Job He Hates | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Wed, 31 Aug 2011 | Area Man's Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King, Jr. | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Tue, 30 Aug 2011 | Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Mon, 29 Aug 2011 | Neurosurgeon Gets Heckled From Observation Deck | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Fri, 26 Aug 2011 | Enraged Man Fails To Destroy TV | The Onion | 00:01:11 |
| Thu, 25 Aug 2011 | Donut Shop's Mission Statement Seems Awfully Ambitious | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Wed, 24 Aug 2011 | Man Born To Party Dies Partying | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Tue, 23 Aug 2011 | Pirate Written Up For Dress-Code Violation | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Mon, 22 Aug 2011 | Area Neighbors Protest Tree-House Acquisition of M-80 Technology | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Fri, 19 Aug 2011 | Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Thu, 18 Aug 2011 | U.N. Factoid Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size Of Tennessee | The Onion | 00:01:31 |
| Wed, 17 Aug 2011 | FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo | The Onion | 00:01:42 |
| Tue, 16 Aug 2011 | FBI Discontinues Witness-Protection Parade | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Mon, 15 Aug 2011 | Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again | The Onion | 00:01:16 |
| Fri, 12 Aug 2011 | Hog Executed Farmland Style | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Thu, 11 Aug 2011 | Hollywood Mourns Passing Of 16th Or 17th Lassie | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Wed, 10 Aug 2011 | Boy Scout Won't Do Anything Unless There's A Merit Badge In It | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Tue, 9 Aug 2011 | Hollywood Is Accessed | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Mon, 8 Aug 2011 | Local Toddler Shows Signs Of Becoming Ugly Like His Parents | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Fri, 5 Aug 2011 | VP Of Making Your Job Harder Given Raise | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Thu, 4 Aug 2011 | Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Wed, 3 Aug 2011 | Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Tue, 2 Aug 2011 | Woman Only Dates On National Television Now | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Mon, 1 Aug 2011 | Last Great Party Of Man's Life Results In First Child | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Fri, 29 Jul 2011 | Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Thu, 28 Jul 2011 | Abandoned Mall Retains Eerie Vestiges Of Fun Shopping Atmosphere | The Onion | 00:01:30 |
| Wed, 27 Jul 2011 | Georgia Legislature Bans Indoor Spitting | The Onion | 00:01:37 |
| Tue, 26 Jul 2011 | Former Marine Plans To Watch Lots Of TV | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Mon, 25 Jul 2011 | Woman Feels Guilty After Switching Brands | The Onion | 00:01:24 |
| Fri, 22 Jul 2011 | Indiana Woman Puts Cool Whip Containers To Every Conceivable Use | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Thu, 21 Jul 2011 | Necrophiliac's Release From Prison Seen As Threat To Area Corpses | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Wed, 20 Jul 2011 | Absentminded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere' | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Tue, 19 Jul 2011 | Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day | The Onion | 00:01:10 |
| Fri, 15 Jul 2011 | Security Guard Makes Passing Women Feel Unsafe | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Thu, 14 Jul 2011 | German Auto Engineer Issued Lab Coat | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Wed, 13 Jul 2011 | Disney Family Vacation Ruined By Walt Disney Company | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Tue, 12 Jul 2011 | Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank' | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Mon, 11 Jul 2011 | Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things | The Onion | 00:00:52 |
| Fri, 8 Jul 2011 | No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Wed, 6 Jul 2011 | F---ing 19-Year-Old Clerk At F---ing Musicland Has Never Even Heard Of Neil F---ing Young | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Tue, 5 Jul 2011 | Atonal Composers Gather For Atony Awards | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Fri, 1 Jul 2011 | Texas Jury Awards Victim $9 Million In Barbecue | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Thu, 30 Jun 2011 | South Dakota Asked To Water North Dakota's Crops Over The Weekend | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Wed, 29 Jun 2011 | State Of Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Tue, 28 Jun 2011 | State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack | The Onion | 00:01:12 |
| Mon, 27 Jun 2011 | Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Fri, 24 Jun 2011 | Bakery's Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Eclairs | The Onion | 00:00:51 |
| Thu, 23 Jun 2011 | Big Happy Train Coming Down The Tracks | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Wed, 22 Jun 2011 | City Councilman From The Future Warns Against Building 12th Avenue Rec Center | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Tue, 21 Jun 2011 | Area Therapist Beginning To Show Cracks In Caring Facade | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Mon, 20 Jun 2011 | Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Fri, 17 Jun 2011 | Casino Has Great Night | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Thu, 16 Jun 2011 | New Colored Light Added To Traffic Signals | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Wed, 15 Jun 2011 | NASA Finds Evidence Of Humans On Moon | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Tue, 14 Jun 2011 | Government: Ignore The Throbbing Love Orb | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Mon, 13 Jun 2011 | Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Fri, 10 Jun 2011 | Candy Purchase Puts More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Thu, 9 Jun 2011 | Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Wed, 8 Jun 2011 | Stripper Failing School She's Working Herself Through | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Tue, 7 Jun 2011 | Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show | The Onion | 00:00:57 |
| Mon, 6 Jun 2011 | Bird Has Big Plans For New Cage | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Fri, 3 Jun 2011 | Compliment Goes Horribly Awry | The Onion | 00:00:57 |
| Thu, 2 Jun 2011 | Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Wed, 1 Jun 2011 | 8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Tue, 31 May 2011 | Dysfunctional Singles Find Each Other | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Mon, 30 May 2011 | Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Fri, 27 May 2011 | U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Thu, 26 May 2011 | Family Deeply Embarrassed by Way Son Died | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Wed, 25 May 2011 | Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Tue, 24 May 2011 | Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven and Doggy Hell | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Mon, 23 May 2011 | Guy Eats His Weight In Combos Over 3-Month Period | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Fri, 20 May 2011 | God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Thu, 19 May 2011 | New Bailiff Tired Of Hearing How Old Bailiff Did Things | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Wed, 18 May 2011 | Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable' | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Tue, 17 May 2011 | Business Card Confirms That Real-Estate Agent Is Eddie Money | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Mon, 16 May 2011 | Laid-Off Zookeeper Goes On Tranquilizing Spree | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Sat, 14 May 2011 | McDonald's Stock Tumbles As Consumers Turn To Food | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Fri, 13 May 2011 | Surinamese Man Struggles To Write Great Surinamese Novel | The Onion | 00:00:49 |
| Thu, 12 May 2011 | Heroic Turtle Dials Most Of 911 | The Onion | 00:01:10 |
| Wed, 11 May 2011 | Witnesses Say Ostrich Farm Employee Was "Asking For It" | The Onion | 00:00:54 |
| Mon, 9 May 2011 | Mommy Had Sleepover Last Night | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Fri, 6 May 2011 | Hamm's Beer Bear Found Dead In Flop Zoo | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Thu, 5 May 2011 | Coffee Roaster Tries To Come Up With Patriotic Blend | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Wed, 4 May 2011 | Friendly Dragon Added To U.S. Arsenal | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Tue, 3 May 2011 | Matthew Lillard To Play Matthew Lillard In Upcoming Film | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Mon, 2 May 2011 | LaSalle, Illinois Awaits Fabled Drug Shipment | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Fri, 29 Apr 2011 | God Late For Local Wedding | The Onion | 00:00:54 |
| Thu, 28 Apr 2011 | FBI: 6 Dead Not Really 'Mass Murder' | The Onion | 00:00:52 |
| Wed, 27 Apr 2011 | Conjoined Twin Hogging Kidney | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Tue, 26 Apr 2011 | Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money-Death Experience | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Mon, 25 Apr 2011 | Area Man Hopes To Accidentally See Roommate's Girlfriend Naked | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Fri, 22 Apr 2011 | Pirate Written Up For Dress-Code Violation | The Onion | 00:00:59 |
| Thu, 21 Apr 2011 | Nihilist Quilting Project A Depressing Success | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Wed, 20 Apr 2011 | Area Neighbors Protest Tree House Acquisition of M-80 Technology | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Tue, 19 Apr 2011 | U.N. Factoid-Finding Mission Discovers Liberia Roughly Size Of Tennessee | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Mon, 18 Apr 2011 | Elderly Man Wages Silent War Against Pharmacy | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Fri, 15 Apr 2011 | Director Of FBI Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Thu, 14 Apr 2011 | You Will Soon Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle | The Onion | 00:00:53 |
| Wed, 13 Apr 2011 | Spy Is World-Famous | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Tue, 12 Apr 2011 | Activity Made Up To Sell Athletic Shoes | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Mon, 11 Apr 2011 | India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India | The Onion | 00:00:53 |
| Fri, 8 Apr 2011 | 134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Thu, 7 Apr 2011 | Video Game Character Wonders Why Heartless God Always Presses Continue | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Wed, 6 Apr 2011 | Naive Detective Suspects Fair Play | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Tue, 5 Apr 2011 | FBI: Muslims May Be Creating Nuclear Families | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Mon, 4 Apr 2011 | 85% Of U.S. Coleslaw Remains Uneaten | The Onion | 00:00:52 |
| Fri, 1 Apr 2011 | Peeping Tom Tired Of Watching People Watch Television | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Thu, 31 Mar 2011 | Infant Doing Everything In Her Power To Save Parents' Relationship | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Wed, 30 Mar 2011 | Jesus Surprises '700 Club' With Walk-On Appearance | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Tue, 29 Mar 2011 | Man Feels 19 Again After Not Getting Laid | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Mon, 28 Mar 2011 | Area Man Switches to Plan 'L' | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Fri, 25 Mar 2011 | Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer | The Onion | 00:00:57 |
| Thu, 24 Mar 2011 | Civil War Historians Propose a 'You Had To Be There' Theory | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Wed, 23 Mar 2011 | Urinator Apprehended | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Tue, 22 Mar 2011 | St. Jude Swears Off Ever Answering Another Personal Ad | The Onion | 00:00:53 |
| Mon, 21 Mar 2011 | Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say WIth Straight Face | The Onion | 00:01:09 |
| Fri, 18 Mar 2011 | Obese Children Brought In To Lap Up Sugar-Fat Spill | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Thu, 17 Mar 2011 | New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man | The Onion | 00:00:55 |
| Wed, 16 Mar 2011 | Marketing Guru Also Getting-Divorced Guru | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Tue, 15 Mar 2011 | Partygoer Vows To Fix Keg | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Mon, 14 Mar 2011 | Mockingbird Imitates Car Alarm Perfectly | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Fri, 11 Mar 2011 | Mass Of Unfreshened Air Moving In From Arctic Circle | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Thu, 10 Mar 2011 | Police Baffled By Bottle-Shaped Bag | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Wed, 9 Mar 2011 | Food Critic's Wife Makes Best Lasagna She Possibly Can | The Onion | 00:00:51 |
| Tue, 8 Mar 2011 | Man Builds House He Designed When He Was 9-Years-Old | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Mon, 7 Mar 2011 | Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Fri, 4 Mar 2011 | Jury Selection Proving Difficult In Trial Of 'The Jury Killer' | The Onion | 00:00:60 |
| Thu, 3 Mar 2011 | Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough | The Onion | 00:01:06 |
| Wed, 2 Mar 2011 | Dead Do-It-Yourselfer Saved $42 On Brake Job | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Tue, 1 Mar 2011 | Balloon Delivery Man Forced To Take Bus | The Onion | 00:00:52 |
| Mon, 28 Feb 2011 | U.S. Fast-Food Chains Agree to Voluntary Cheese Limits | The Onion | 00:01:05 |
| Fri, 25 Feb 2011 | Three-Year-Old Terrified By Sizzling Fajita Platter | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Thu, 24 Feb 2011 | Desperate U.S. Colleges Consider Emergency Bob Marley's Legend Ban | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Wed, 23 Feb 2011 | Member Of KKK Struggles To Blame Blacks For His Hangover | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Tue, 22 Feb 2011 | Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini | The Onion | 00:00:54 |
| Mon, 21 Feb 2011 | Movie Works Out Just As Audience Hoped | The Onion | 00:00:57 |
| Fri, 18 Feb 2011 | Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Thu, 17 Feb 2011 | Husband Buys Car Based On Lowest Passenger-Side Impact Rating | The Onion | 00:01:04 |
| Wed, 16 Feb 2011 | Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Tue, 15 Feb 2011 | Magazine Announces Plans For Special 'Sex' Issue | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Mon, 14 Feb 2011 | Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Fri, 11 Feb 2011 | Police On Lookout For Poorly Drawn Man | The Onion | 00:01:17 |
| Thu, 10 Feb 2011 | Family Dog Barking At Evil | The Onion | 00:01:31 |
| Wed, 9 Feb 2011 | CNN Introduces New Anchor-Bot | The Onion | 00:01:26 |
| Tue, 8 Feb 2011 | U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan | The Onion | 00:00:56 |
| Mon, 7 Feb 2011 | Ex-Girlfriend Flashback Leaves Man Paralyzed In Produce Aisle | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Fri, 4 Feb 2011 | Area Fountain Simulates Vomiting Lion | The Onion | 00:01:29 |
| Thu, 3 Feb 2011 | Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens | The Onion | 00:01:40 |
| Wed, 2 Feb 2011 | Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby | The Onion | 00:01:26 |
| Tue, 1 Feb 2011 | Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint | The Onion | 00:01:31 |
| Mon, 31 Jan 2011 | Small Child Subjected To Elaborate Hairdo | The Onion | 00:01:42 |
| Fri, 28 Jan 2011 | Teen Sex Linked To Alcohol And Drugs By Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things | The Onion | 00:01:37 |
| Thu, 27 Jan 2011 | National Science Foundation Concludes "Science Hard" | The Onion | 00:01:01 |
| Wed, 26 Jan 2011 | Worst Person A Woman Knows Is Pregnant | The Onion | 00:00:57 |
| Tue, 25 Jan 2011 | Sea World Whales Demand 10 Percent Chum Increase | The Onion | 00:01:27 |
| Mon, 24 Jan 2011 | Crossing The Street Downgraded To Number 785 On List Of Childhood Dangers | The Onion | 00:01:49 |
| Fri, 21 Jan 2011 | Film School Graduate Bad-Mouths Film School | The Onion | 00:01:18 |
| Thu, 20 Jan 2011 | Man Defends Cartoon Character With Unexpected Vigor | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Wed, 19 Jan 2011 | Tension In Area Car Pool Rising | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Tue, 18 Jan 2011 | U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out | The Onion | 00:01:22 |
| Mon, 17 Jan 2011 | Area Fry-Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Isn't That Easy | The Onion | 00:01:47 |
| Fri, 14 Jan 2011 | Unsupervised 4-Year-Old Goes On Four-Bowl Boo-Berry Binge | The Onion | 00:01:23 |
| Thu, 13 Jan 2011 | Jackie Chan's Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel | The Onion | 00:01:23 |
| Wed, 12 Jan 2011 | Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Tue, 11 Jan 2011 | Heroic Pit Bull Journeys 2,000 Miles To Attack Owner | The Onion | 00:01:36 |
| Mon, 10 Jan 2011 | Dad's Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends | The Onion | 00:01:15 |
| Fri, 7 Jan 2011 | Woman Forced To Converse Awkwardly With Bank-Promotion Clown | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Thu, 6 Jan 2011 | Area Man Told He Looks Like A Fat Greg Allman | The Onion | 00:01:19 |
| Wed, 5 Jan 2011 | Titanic Reenactment Club Loses Another 1,300 Members | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Tue, 4 Jan 2011 | Horrifying Clamato Nursery Discovered In Mott's Dungeon | The Onion | 00:01:37 |
| Mon, 3 Jan 2011 | Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Sized Models | The Onion | 00:01:17 |
| Fri, 31 Dec 2010 | Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding | The Onion | 00:01:16 |
| Thu, 30 Dec 2010 | Voice-Activated GPS System Takes 'Top Gun' Soundtrack Fan Into The Danger Zone | The Onion | 00:01:28 |
| Wed, 29 Dec 2010 | Robot Salesman Practically Sells Itself | The Onion | 00:01:54 |
| Tue, 28 Dec 2010 | Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures | The Onion | 00:01:21 |
| Mon, 27 Dec 2010 | Dead IPod Remembered As Expensive | The Onion | 00:01:30 |
| Fri, 24 Dec 2010 | Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mount Everest | The Onion | 00:01:36 |
| Thu, 23 Dec 2010 | Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Skate Park | The Onion | 00:01:19 |
| Wed, 22 Dec 2010 | Christian Weightlifter Bends Iron Bar To Demonstrate Power Of God's Love | The Onion | 00:01:43 |
| Tue, 21 Dec 2010 | Governor Of Alabama Injured Imitating Pro Wrestling | The Onion | 00:01:19 |
| Mon, 20 Dec 2010 | NFL Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide | The Onion | 00:01:18 |
| Fri, 17 Dec 2010 | Community Rallies Behind Struggling Corporation | The Onion | 00:01:21 |
| Thu, 16 Dec 2010 | Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle | The Onion | 00:01:33 |
| Wed, 15 Dec 2010 | 4-Year-Old Gets Wasted On Rum Balls | The Onion | 00:01:13 |
| Tue, 14 Dec 2010 | Fat Family Has Fat Pets | The Onion | 00:01:03 |
| Mon, 13 Dec 2010 | Report: U.S. Kids Get Majority Of Antibiotics From McDonald's | The Onion | 00:01:07 |
| Fri, 10 Dec 2010 | Area Man Has No Ideas Where To Get An Envelope | The Onion | 00:00:53 |
| Thu, 9 Dec 2010 | Lutheran Minister Arrested On Charges Of Boring Young Children | The Onion | 00:01:29 |
| Wed, 8 Dec 2010 | Texan Says He's Had Much Better In Texas | The Onion | 00:01:31 |
| Tue, 7 Dec 2010 | Area Man Has Sex With Beautiful Girl Just To Be Cool | The Onion | 00:01:00 |
| Mon, 6 Dec 2010 | God Re-Floods Middle East | The Onion | 00:01:28 |
| Fri, 3 Dec 2010 | Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks | The Onion | 00:00:58 |
| Thu, 2 Dec 2010 | Parrot's Previous Owner Obviously Watched A Lot Of 'The Price Is Right' | The Onion | 00:00:46 |
| Wed, 1 Dec 2010 | Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
| Tue, 30 Nov 2010 | Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him | The Onion | 00:01:02 |
| Mon, 29 Nov 2010 | Drugs Now Legal If User Is Employed | The Onion | 00:01:08 |
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